Sometimes, I feel like I’ve missed something. Like an event that had to have been so monumental everyone saw or heard it; but me. It’s like I was squeezing my eyes really tight and holding my hands to my ears. Sort of like what I would do when I was little watching a scary movie. I’ve been wandering for a while. Losing my best friend. Holding my breath. Denying and lying to myself. I’m lost. And no mater how hard I try to hide from it, theres always a gleaming bright and undeniable reflection staring back at me saying “accept it.” I have to say it’s scary as all hell to not have even a clue who you are when you once were so sure. It’s been a really scary storm, and I’d sincerely like for you to be my place to land again.
You know, I almost wish I WAS in the middle of a horror flick. At least those are predictable.
Hello, alcohol poisoning.
To the man who writes the music in my head
Are you tired, uninspired?
Did you lose your favorite pen?
Did you overuse your muse,
Can you steal one from a friend?
It’s time we started singin again…
(via Untitled - Polyvore)
Lately I feel like I’m fumbling. Not in the clumsy “oh fuck I fell down” sort of way, but it sure does hurt the same. When a baby takes its first steps, they with out fail, fall straight back down on their ass a seemingly ridiculous number of times! But, they inevitably get back up, because walking, well, it kind of just seems to be worth it. Does that mean subjecting themselves to this process doesn’t hurt like hell? Of course not. Baby’s scream…loudly (and I don’t think thats just for parental audio pleasure =p)
Where am I going with this?
Being happy has quite literally become a task for me. Same as doing school work, or walking the dog, cleaning my room, or like a little one learning to walk. Essentially, a conscious exhausting activity. The cool thing is, rather then being in this dark hole, I can actually be happy for extended periods of time now. However, Much like the wobbly metaphorical infant, I fall down. I fall down a lot. But I’m learning how to pick myself back up, because being happy is just as intoxicating as a toddlers first taste at real mobility; and no matter how many times they take a tumble, their going to keep reaching for that freedom.
So I’m a little bruised up, and yes I admit learning how to be happy is a tad bit silly to say, but its just as challenging as first steps, and just as every bit painful as falling, when I can’t figure out how to in fact achieve said happiness.
Hopefully, like the new little walking child, I’ll get the hang of it soon, and maintain it for a good long while =] At least I’ve regained the modivation to try and make that happen.
You should never try to walk until you learn to fall.
I want to fall truly madly deeply in love. I want to fall so far that I barely recognize where I am anymore and the only thing that brings me comfort is seeing the one I love’s face. Most of all, I want that person to be you (no, not you random cyber space blog reader, or otherwise -_-).
I always thought that the most painful feeling I’d ever felt was being so incredibly in love with someone and the feeling not being reciprocated. You are able see every ounce of their beauty, everything they say seems like this incredible harmony that puts your life in to this perfect perspective. And once someones opened your eyes to how much life has to offer via the simple touch of another human being, you can never close your eyes to it again. So far in my life thats happened twice. Once in high school, and once this past year. It is incredible how much liquid one can generate from ones eyes. Those tears stem from sheer pain. Pain, that the one thing you want the most and would virtually do anything to prove you deserve, is not possible to obtain. The point I’m getting at is, I never thought there would be a feeling worse then that; Worse then the relentlessness to release the happiness you found in another person. At times I could tell myself I was going to be able to wait forever, because he was worth every second of my patience. But here’s the tragic catch, my brain will only let me hold on to a feeling that is hurting me to that degree for so long. So what happens when you lose it? What happens when you lose your certainty and that double edged feeling of needing. What I’ve discovered is the reality that is worse then a constant unrequited needing….is not needing at all. To go from knowing all you wanted from your life, to losing that connection, causes unimaginable terror. The kind of terror that makes you not want to move because one misstep could cause everything to fall to pieces. I don’t believe in much spiritually but I believed in love. In fact I strived for it. To fill every little crevice of my life with such a positive energy that I would wake up everyday and know I was living the most fulfilled life I could ever dream up for myself.
So here’s the question that I’m presented with:
Do I live simply let the feelings for this person completely escape me?, and take the chance that maybe I’ll be that happy again with someone else?
Any sane person would tell me to let it go, be happy on your own (which I completely intend to do). But this person is made from a unique mold and even though the feelings have diminished a tad bit, its worth waiting to be happy with him again. Because while I do have the capacity to be happy on my own, when I’m with him I feel not only joyful, but in a way, complete; the best version of myself. So for now my answer to this question is hell no.
If you love something set it free, and If it was every truly yours, it will come back to you. So maybe thats what having faith is for me. Not looking up to the sky for guidance but rather, having the courage and maintaining the trust that one day you’ll come back to me, and It’ll all be okay.
p.s. I do need you, not needing is just a scary feeling, you will always be my most favorite thing no matter what, and my bestest fwiend.